I write for a living - in fact, it could be said that I live to write, so why can't I find the words to express how I feel?
It is yet another change in me that means I can't recognise the person I am becoming. I wish I could explain to those I am meeting for the first time how different this me is to the real one.
I do not hide in the shower hoping everyone will go out before I have to emerge. I am downstairs, in the thick of the action, organising a fun family outing.
I do not panic over the simple task of completing a supermarket shop with one baby in tow. I have managed that solo with two children and dealt with many more stressful situations in my working life.
I am not angry, bitter, overwhelmed by rage. In fact, I can't be bothered to be angry. I'm so rubbish at it I often forget what made me cross.
I do not spend time every day in tears. I am a happy, calm and relaxed person.
I do not depend on other people to help me deal with my own children. I am confident and independent and have arranged many solo outings.
I do not snap at my daughter just for being her. I love her funny ways and her constant chat.
I do not want to hide away because I don't know what to say to people. I am sociable and fun and love nothing more than giggly girlie nights out - not deep emotional sessions.
Lately I have been all of these things. And more. This is not me. This is what PND has done to me. And I hate it.
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3 comments:
PND hasn't changed you, sweetie. You're still the same wonderful, hilarious, fun, generous, caring person that you always have been and always will be. You haven't become a different person just because you're currently suffering from this condition.
I find completing a supermarket shop with Alan in tow a pretty demanding task, actually. 'Come away from the railway magazines ... come away ... ALAN, COME AWAY!
Sarah Jane said: "You haven't become a different person just because you're currently suffering from this condition. Couldn't have said it better [hands medal to Sarah Jane]; you are indeed still you, just maybe it's like having one less skin or having accretions (waves hands vaguely) or something - but that will pass.
On the finding of words: they may not be the exact words you want, but at least a couple of readers are extremely impressed indeed by the words you are writing.
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