I've just been packing up some of baby D's tiny clothes after successfully selling them online, and it made me sad.
Sad that he's growing up and there will be no more babies (but not sad enough to change my mind!) but also sad that yet again I've wasted parts of his babyhood.
Okay, at five months old he's not quite ready to move out but the truth is that yet again, I haven't been as connected with him as I'd like.
Yet again this awful illness has robbed me of some of the joys of this period; the time spent snuggling, the moments of bonding.
While this episode is nowhere near as bad as last time, it's still bad enough for me to feel it's affected my relationship with him. He's a lovely, smiley, chatty little boy and also a bit of a mummy's boy, but I don't feel the same connection with him that he seems to have to me.
Perhaps it's because I've started back at work this week - today in fact - but I can't help wishing I could go back and do this again.
I know that's partly because I still have this desire to do things 'right', and getting PND again was definitely not part of that, but I can't help feeling that I'm letting him down by the way I feel. And Miss T too, of course.
But it's for them that I keep fighting. I hope they know I'm doing my best.
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I am battling post natal depression but it doesn't make me a failure! It's incredibly common yet still surrounded by a culture of silence - but it's time to speak out and say we have survived and are not ashamed. Views are my own and not related to my work.
2 comments:
Liz, I didn't suffer from PND but the regret at moments "wasted" is something I feel acutely - more so as we are not planning to have any more children. I celebrate and mourn each milestone with equal vigour - in the early days I was so caught up in just trying to stay on top of things that I too missed those precious bonding moments - I wonder if maybe before our babies arrive we are led to believe that we will recognise these moments "in" the moment - when in fact that are simply snatches of time in an ongoing process that cannot be easily compartmentalised... certainly your little man's attachment to you would indicate that, even when you did not recognise them, these moments were taking place... so what if as you rocked him to sleep your mind was spinning off elsewhere and busy dealing with the stresses of adult life? He didn't know that, all he felt were your arms holding him and soothing him... I doubt our babies really care if we are gazing adoringly at them as we meet their demands - they simply know that their needs are being met, and being met with love - no matter how imperfect we, as perfectionist adults might perceive that love to be...
You are doing it, you are doing it well.
X
I know! I thought I would "get it right" the 2nd time around and it didn't quite work out that way. But you got help much quicker this time and you will have an amazing relationship with both your children because they will be so proud of how brave their mommy is.
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