25 weeks...and the guilt of a working parent...

I was going to call this post "Nothing's right, I'm torn", so you could all sing it Natalie Imbruglia style...
Her lyrics summed things up nicely at the beginning of this week. Nothing was right - at home or at work - and I felt torn.
Thankfully things have improved, perhaps because I'm learning more about juggling things, but it's still difficult to let go of that ideal of being the "perfect" mum, the "perfect" worker and the "perfect" friend.
It doesn't help that poor baby D has been ill ever since my return. And yes, at first I did think there was a causal effect between the two. He was ill because I was being a terrible mother and going out to work. He didn't get better because he needed his mummy to be home taking care of him.
Situations like that bring my need to be in total control right to the fore. I know those who look after him while I work are more than capable. I know he has a great time and cries no more than he would cry if I were there. But they do not do things quite as I would do them, and that's hard for me to deal with. But I'm trying.
It's the same with Miss T. While at times it's been very trying being at home with her full-time for the last six months, it's also been great in many ways. We've built a closer bond and I cherish time with her. And we've built our own routines, our own ways to deal with certain scenarious and we know what we expect of the other.
So it's hard to see her behave in ways that are not as I expect, and to know that this behaviour continues when I'm not there to check it and hand out consequences.
But staying home with them full time is not an option at all. I need to work. Financially, yes, but also for my sanity. I had a check up today with my GP and she was amazed at the difference. I am me again, thanks to my time in the office. I am confident, I have fun, I am worth something.
And more importantly than that, I drive home every day (well, the four days I work) looking forward to seeing the children. And my days with them are precious. And that's a feeling that five months ago I wasn't sure I'd ever find again.

Negativity

...but not mine!
Since adapting my new, fluffy, mindset, partly due to changes in my circumstances and partly due to real recovery from PND hell being in sight, I have no time for negativity.
Of course sometimes I have days which are difficult, but in general I like to think I am a more positive person.
And that makes me rather intolerant of negative people. Not unsympathetic to those who are in genuine need, as I think I have mentioned before, but impatient with those who seem determined to see the worst in others and dwell on nastiness.
That's what prompted me to do this blog post, less than a week after the last one, you lucky people. I've been witness to some real bitterness lately, from people who would do better to just let things go and move on.
And I've also seen people who seem determined to try to poke fun at other's misfortune, and in some cases, tragedy.
Of course, I could ignore this, and generally I do - it's easy just to delete an email or Facebook message, and to click away from people who have so little faith in themselves they make others look small thinking it makes them look big.
But today I just wanted to get this out here, to avoid it erupting somewhere else and creating negativity in my life.
So now I have. I don't feel much better, but I will continue to maintain my pink and fluffy air and remember that those who indulge in such bitchiness say more about themselves than the target of their venom.

drug free!

As of today, I am officially drug free! Off meds, clean, no more happy pills!
It was sort of under doctor's advice; I have been cutting down for several weeks but this morning I had a bulimic moment when I was reunited with my breakfast as I tried to take one of the stupid diamond shaped tablets and it got stuck in my throat and made me puke. And as I kept forgetting to take them it just seemed like the final straw so I've decided to stop.
And it feels great!
Of course, it's only day one of my new, post PND, drug-free life so it's a bit early to tell, but it really feels like the beginning of the end of this journey back to me.
I know loads of people hate the word journey in situations like this but that's what it feels like it's been - like I've been clawing my way back from the bottom of a cave towards the outside world, and I'm only just starting to rejoin reality.
This blog itself is another big step - my first foray into public blogging, as me instead of a carefully created altar ego. So please be gentle!