schemas and scheming

Is it a good sign when your therapist walks into the room with a book about treating borderline personality disorder?!
Probably not - but luckily I think mine was just using it to lean on while she wrote her notes....
So today was another good session - despite acknowledging the "blips" over the past few weeks (her word, not mine!).
And this may not come as a surprise to anyone out there, but the whole VIC campaign was a bit of a blip. In many ways.
Yes, I know it was probably obvious, but it wasn't to me. I got too caught up in my view and my desires and got a bit (or maybe a lot!) obsessed about it....
Unfortunately this is something I'm going to have to watch out for in the future, because, again using her words, I'm always going to be "driven".
The key is to recognise that before it steamrollers into something out of control, like emailing everyone expecting them to spend weekends campaigning with me! And then getting cross when they don't....
I'm not sorry I did the campaign, but I am sorry for how I managed the whole situation. Another one of those life lessons....
We talked more about schemas today (remember this link? http://www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm) and again it was so bizarre to find out that I can be so easily explained by fitting in to a list of schemas. I wish everyone could have this experience - it's been scarily accurate for me.
So as well as the good old self-sacrifice schema, another active one that should not be a surprise to anyone that knows me (and anyone who has read this blog!) is unrelenting standards. If you can't be bothered to find it on the link, here's a bit about it:
"The underlying belief that one must strive to meet very high internalized standards of behavior and performance, usually to avoid criticism. Typically results in feelings of pressure or difficulty slowing down; and in hypercriticalness toward oneself and others. Must involve significant impairment in: pleasure, relaxation, health, self-esteem, sense of accomplishment, or satisfying relationships.
Unrelenting standards typically present as: (a) perfectionism, inordinate attention to detail, or an underestimate of how good one's own performance is relative to the norm; (b) rigid rules and “shoulds” in many areas of life, including unrealistically high moral, ethical, cultural, or religious precepts; or (c) preoccupation with time and efficiency, so that more can be accomplished."
Does that ring bells? VIC campaign anyone? It's wierd - I've never heard the phrase "hyper critical" before this month yet first someone said it to me about my attitude to others during the campaign and then there it is in black and white.
One schema that came as slightly more of a surprise to me was social isolation/alienation. Looking at my life it seems very busy - there's work, friends, mark, family - I'm hardly ever at home.
But scratch below the surface and that actually could be true. The blurb for the schema says: "The feeling that one is isolated from the rest of the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any group or community."
Different from other people is the key. I have great friends - really good people who I know will be there through everything, and vice versa - but I still feel different. As illustration, I know everyone has bad days, but for most people a bad day is just that. I can recognise that a bad day is a bad day now, not the end of the world, but there is still that gut-wrenching fear that maybe it's not, and maybe tomorrow will be the day I can't get out of bed, or that the sound of Tasha's chat in the morning will send me back under the duvet.
I don't think unless you've been there you can appreciate that. And I don't know if it will ever go away.
Which lead us on to the thought of having more children - something to address next time. Eek!
In other news, an advert for a Barry Manilow album has just come on and Mark admitted he liked the three songs they played. Eek again!
x