Fun in the sun...

It's been ages again, so I thought I'd try to make up for it with this pic of Miss T in her favourite place...

So where were we?

Oh yes...preschool...well, there were tears but we survived, of course. I think she actually quite enjoyed it and she says she's looking forward to going again this week. Can't say I'm looking forward to the drop-off but we'll both survive.

In other news, just for a change, work is madly busy but I'm loving it. I can't actually remember the last time I've felt so happy. Maybe it's because I'm in control of my life, working for myself, doing what I love. Maybe it's because I've devised a beautiful colour-coded schedule that (theoretically, when I'm not doing holiday cover or taking on extra work) gives me time off as well as time at work. Maybe it's because I'm proving to all those who doubted that I can be successful outside of the traditional office environment and there is life after redundancy. Maybe it's just because the sun is shining. I don't really care.

I would like more time with the smily little girl pictured here. But I also have to take the work while it's there, for all sorts of reasons. And thanks to the beautiful weather and our beautiful hometown, we can still have beach time after a day at the office.

So that's us - on the beach, in the office, at preschool...but happy!

Growing up!

Miss T starts preschool this week. I can't quite believe it.
Well, maybe starts is a bit much - she has the first taster session before her official start in September. But it feels as significant as if I were packing her off, lunchbox and books in hand.
It's a very odd feeling and as usual there are all sorts of conflicting parts.
I'm torn between thinking it's vital she gets off to a good start as school is such a key part of life, and believing that actually, she's still so little that whatever happens this week, and in September, doesn't actually matter.
It doesn't help that she is still not a fan of being left and the childminder suggested this might prove to be an issue at preschool.
We have warned them, but I'm not sure they are fully prepared for a proper Miss T strop-fest...
Filling in the paperwork was also an interesting experience - I felt strangely outraged that they believed I could condense everything that was special and noteworthy about my child into three A4 pieces of paper!
At the moment, the pupil herself seems wholly underwhelmed by the idea. I've told her she will be going to school on Thursday, and it will be lots of fun, and she usually replies: "Mummy's coming?"
I tell her Mummy will take her but can't stay although I won't be long, and she just carries on with whatever she was doing.
I'm trying to portray it in a positive light for her, and for the reasons I touched upon earlier. Education is such an important thing for me that I want her to find her first experience fun and for it to instill in her a lifelong love of the classroom and learning. Maybe I'm being unrealistic!
But I'm also struggling with the fact that she still seems so small and I'm worried about how she will cope.
Will she be the only one still in nappies? (hopefully not still in them by September....) Will she be the only one crying? Shall I let her take her bunny and her dummy, both only used for sleeping or when she's ill (or being left at the childminder's on a bad day!)? Will she be the only one who still has a dummy? (I stress, only for sleeping...)
I'm sure she'll have fun, once she gets used to it (next year maybe?), but I can't help wishing we could just fast forward to that point. Wish us luck!

thoughts

I had a bit of a significant moment last night.
I accepted I am not and never will be a perfect parent.
It may not sound like much, but it's a massive achievement for me as perfection has been a theme of my life for as long as I can remember.
I also accepted that actually, I'm not doing so bad.
But it's sad that again it took someone else's (perceived) poor parenting to allow me to realise my own strengths.
I won't go into details, partly because I still find it so sad, but it's another case of people who can't accept that a child changes your life. You make a decision to have them, whether they were planned or not, and it's your responsibility to live with that decision and its consequences.
In the same way as when Miss T chooses to ignore warnings about teasing the dog and ends up losing a brick from her jar, if you choose to bring up a child you live with the fact that things will never be the same again.
In my opinion, this means Saturdays spent shopping are off the agenda for a good few years, nights down the pub are a rarity and only possible when babysitters are available, and holidays mean family time rather than the previous heady mix of alcohol, culture and shopping.
Not everyone shares my opinion, and that's fine, but I'm glad I can say I put my child first.
In other news, I'm still working on that elusive skill of keeping my mouth shut but sometimes I feel it's important to speak out.
There was a good example of that this week when I overheard a comment from someone who couldn't understand why a 26-year-old with clinical depression would want to commit suicide. They were using the classic argument that he had everything to live for and many people are much worse off. Both statements may be true, but I tried to put forward to viewpoint that he wouldn't be able to realise that and it wasn't as simple as snapping out of it. I'm not sure I got through, but at least I tried...

I'm back! With apologies and an update...

Hello!
And so sorry for lack of posts. I've sat down to do it so many times but then something else has got in the way, be it small child, hairy animal or work.
As usual, the lack of posts is actually a good sign - I know if there had been burning issues swelling around my head I would have made time to let them out here.
Of course there have been difficult times but there have also been positive times in the month since I last updated you all. I really can't believe it's been so long!
So where were we?
The nightmare playgroup visit...well, of course we went back but we also tried another one which I much prefer. It's a lot friendlier, a lot less cliquey and feels a lot less judgemental. Plus there are more children and a lot more room which means it's more fun for Miss T, who has started asking to go.
We've started a new "behaviour shaping" method where she earns bricks in a jar for being good and loses them for bad behaviour. When she has enough she earns a fun treat, and so far it's working well. She hates the idea of losing bricks and loves the treats so it's a great motivator and better than the naughty step, which was losing its impact.
I'm enjoying my time with her a lot more than I ever thought possible, and I'm realising - finally - that these days will never return.
In fact, as the work situation improves slightly (I have picked up some regular freelance shifts which provide much-needed income), I find myself yearning for those lazy days of painting, park and playing. We'd both got used to the idea of chilling out and getting ready in our own time so the first morning we had to be out of the house by 8am was a bit of a shock!
Of course, I'm loving being back in a newsroom. It's what I do, it's who I am. As much as I've enjoyed being a stay at home parent, I can't deny my need to write. Part of me is a bit sad that it's meant I have eased off on other plans but I have to be realistic and work with the opportunites that present themselves. There's no need to do everything at once, as a good friend of mine would say!
However I do have some concerns, especially in the light of my renewed positive mental health. I'm very much an all-or-nothing person, in work and in other areas, and I am finding it hard not to get sucked back in to the all-hours culture of a newsroom. There have already been some signs, like attending evening jobs which I'm not technically paid for, and working late. It's easy to put these down to doing a good job, especially as I've very grateful to my new colleagues for giving me the opportunity to use my skills and earn more money. But I'm trying hard to remember to say no, and make decisions with my family in mind as well as my work.
That's about it for now, and sorry it's a bit vague but at least it's a sign things are going well, I think...I'll try to be back within a month this time!

Control...or a lack of...

I'm not really sure where to start.
And I'm not really sure whether this will be a "yay" or "boo" post. Maybe I'll leave that up to you to decide...
So on Monday Miss T and I decided to try a new toddler group.
It didn't go well, for either of us.
For her, it was a new place, with lots of new people, and on a morning when she was feeling a bit under the weather.
This manifested itself firstly in clinginess ("You come mummy" whenever she moved to a different activity) and then in bad behaviour (I almost wrote naughtiness but we all know we're not allowed to say that...). She snatched toys from the youngest child there and then when told to give them back, threw them across the room.
I responded as I would anywhere else - with a warning, followed by a spell on the hastily-introduced 'naughty chair'.
But I think that's where the positive aspects of this experience end.
I'm not sure what I was expecting from the morning but I found the actual reality quite stressful and frustrating. Every other child seemed to be behaving beautifully, every other child sat down nicely for drink and biscuit time while mine whinged and ran off and every other mum was able to chat and enjoy themselves.
As I'm sure you've noticed by now, when I get stressed or frustrated I get emotional and I'm afraid - and embarrassed - to admit that tears were soon on their way and I felt a complete failure on all levels.
A complete meltdown followed, for me and her, and it wasn't much fun.
Nor was the conversation afterwards with a fellow mum, who I'm sure meant well, but said I was letting Miss T control me because I went with her when she asked. I let it go at the time - I wasn't in a fit state to do anything else! - but it's another of those points I've been mulling over ever since.
I'm not sure that it is a control thing. I see it more as support and reassurance for a little girl who's still learning about the world and her place in it, and who is only just learning that she is a separate person to her parents.
I see it as my role to provide comfort when it's needed rather than to question the validity of the request for my input.
I don't dispute that other children are more confident than my own, or that this is partly due to my parenting and the choices I have made.
But I'm not comfortable being the kind of parent who just shoos their child away when they ask for support.
We will be going back to the group because I feel it's exposure she needs to prepare her for preschool and school.
But I'm hoping next time will be less of a drama...
So...is that a positive or a negative?!

Phew!

So we survived, naturally. And it's another of those situations where I'm not that sure why I was so worried.
We scrubbed the house from top to bottom, although I did resist coaching Miss T and am very proud of myself for that.
It did feel like an impending inspection of parenthood rather than a routine check and opportunity to ask advice from a health professional, and if I'm honest, I feared my parenting skills were about to be found lacking.
That fear was not allayed when Miss T decided to spend the morning in a rare grumpy mood where nothing was right and there was much pouting and foot-stamping.
But the sun came out when the health visitor arrived (not literally, sadly - my hairy hound from hell, who had to be shut in the garden while she crossed the threshold before being brought in for a proper introduction, ended up all soggy and forlorn) and she amazed me with her confidence and inclination to be sociable.
The checks themselves were ridiculously easy for her and she demonstrated a range of things that weren't being checked, like imaginative play (making mummy be a dog and leading me round on the aforementioned hound's lead), language development (talking constantly!) and kindness (giving said hound a cuddle when she accidentally stood on his foot).
And as a result, the official verdict is "excellent communication and development" and "very sociable" with "no concerns".
I can't describe how proud that makes me, which is actually a strange feeling. Not for the obvious reasons, including the fact that our once non-existent bond is now so strong, but because it is coupled with a sort of dread of the future.
I'm desperate not to heap the kind of pressure on her to be perfect that I experienced but am already slipping into dangerous territory - who knows how I would have reacted if the conclusionss had not been so overwhelmingly positive today?
But as usual, the positive of this situation is that I'm aware of it and will try to keep myself in check. Because if I can't, god help us all when it's time for her GCSEs!

Oh dear...

Don't let the title fool you - there has been no crisis and in fact this is a very rare self-aware post...I hope!
Miss T has her two to three year developmental check on Friday and it's something that has had a strange effect on me.
When the health visitor rang to make the appointment, my first instinct after putting down the phone was to Google the check to find out what it involved.
I have so far resisted.
Which is a good thing. Because I wasn't going to Google for my own interest, I planned to then tutor my two-year-old to make sure she "passed".
Luckily, I recognised this as a completely ridiculous response. According to a parent friend of mine, "everyone" has tutors now for the 11+ (which is an archaic Kent test to stream people for grammar schools if you're not from round here!) and loads of people also have tutors for SATS but for two year olds? Really??? Even I could tell that would be a bit over the top.
However, it's not all good news. I have resisted the Googling, and resisted the tutoring, but I can't shake the feeling that if she fails (which she can't - it's not a pass/fail situation!) then I'm a BAD PARENT.
And I have had a few sneaky conversations with people who have told me some of what it involves, and I'm fairly confident she'll be fine, but even if she's not that should be fine. If that makes sense. Sorry if it doesn't - it's been a long day!
My point is - why can't I just accept her as she is? Why is there this constant quest for perfection? If I'm this bad now, what will I be like at SATs time? Or the 11+? And let's not even think about GCSEs and beyond! (although please note how I phrased that - deliberately leaving out the assumption that she'll stay on for sixth form and then go to a top university before becoming prime minister...)
Oh dear.
There's not really much else to say, is there? But of course I'll let you know how she gets on - I wonder if there'll be a score? I wonder how to find out what the highest score ever achieved is??? ; )