About Me

Kent, United Kingdom
I have the perfect family but still struggle to find the light in the darkness of post-natal depression.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

The universe and me...

Have I mentioned my new positive thinking ethos?
Maybe a few times.
Well, the good news (yes, you read that right!) is that maybe it's paying off.
To update you all, I said thanks but no thanks to the full time job after being offered a part time one from today's interview.
I haven't said yes to that yet though because I still have tomorrow to go! So I'm still confused, but confused and in demand which is not a bad place to be!
Maybe it's all just a coincidence but at this moment in time I'm thinking that things are happening for a reason.
I'm meeting people for a reason, I'm ending up in different situations for another reason.
I'm not always sure what it is, especially not at the time, but there is definitely a reason.
And since managing to accept that and go with it, things seem to be looking up.
It's really simple, as all the best things are - if something feels wrong, it probably is wrong, eg a full time job, but if it feels right, then go for it.
And to take this mumbo-jumbo, as I know some of you will call it, to the next level, I'm starting to think that if something keeps coming back to you then you should act on it.
I'm not quite ready to reveal exactly what keeps coming back to me, but I'm acting on it and seeing where it takes me.
That's a new thing for me as well - not revealing every minute detail of my life here. That doesn't mean this will turn into one of those annoying blogs where the writer hints at whatever is annoying her, or glosses over some personal tragedy - I'm still a firm believer in getting it all out there. But for now I'm just going with the flow and I'll let you know where I end up!

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Dilemma...but a good one?

So I'm confused. And while I hate that - of course I do, the very state of mind indicates a lack of control! - I can see that actually there are positives to be had, as usual.
I was going to offer this particular dilemma up here as a sort of poll, but I think actually the decision has been made. But any further input would be welcomed, even if it's to tell me I'm mad (although I already know that!).
Right. Let's get to it.
So I'm still job-hunting. Although I admit to doing so with less gusto than a few months ago as I start to focus instead on myself as a business and the freelance work I have been getting, plus other similar opportunities in the future.
And this week I somehow found myself with three interviews lined up - all of which have come to me, rather than me applying via any formal process.
I had the first one yesterday, one is tomorrow and one on Thursday. If I'm honest, the one on Thursday would always have been my first choice - it's reasonably local, hours to suit and would allow me to use my writing skills while developing new ones.
But the first company I saw have already offered me the position. And I think I'm going to turn them down.
Not just because I like the sound of the Thursday job more, or even because I think I stand more chance of getting either of the other two.
Not even because it's further away than the other two so means more travelling and more money in petrol.
I'm going to turn it down - even in this economic climate - because they want me to work full time and won't consider anything less.
Does that make me mad?
Three years ago, probably even a year ago, and probably five years from now I would say yes in a flash.
But now I want to spend time with my little girl before she is not so little.
I never thought I would be even considering turning down work - and paid work at that - in favour of spending time with the child I used to refer to as "that baby". Work was my escape, my focus, my reason for carrying on.
But as I continue to adjust to this with-child life, and continue to learn to enjoy it, I realise that actually that won't work for me any more.
In fact, a full time job, 45 minutes from home, would probably have more negative effects on my precious little family than no job at all.
Just the thought of the mountains of housework to do in evenings and at weekends, the friends to squeeze in or lose touch with, the activities we'll miss makes me feel like a failure so the reality would definitely stress me out.
Because of this economic climate I will wait until after the other interviews before making my final final decision, because after all any job at this point in time is better than no job. Probably. Maybe.
Who knows?!

Wednesday, 21 January 2009


Don't worry - not mine! I am still floating around in a fluffy cloud of positive affirmations and happy thoughts...mostly.
But maybe because that is my default state of mind at the moment...mostly...I find it really hard to deal with other people's negativity. I just don't understand it. Maybe negativity is the wrong word - I more than most can understand a black mood or a bad day.
But I can't understand general nastiness, bitchiness or unpleasantness. It doesn't fit in my fluffy world. I'm a great believer in the advice that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything. Especially if it's not constructive. And some of the things I have experienced lately have been the opposite of constructive!
I'm getting round it at the moment by telling myself it reveals more about the person being destructive and negative than it does about their subject, especially when it's me, and I can rise above it all.
Luckily, due to some great friends and some hard-earned respect professionally which is standing me in good stead, this is proving possible so far. Fingers crossed it continues, or those behind it get bored or move on and find positive ways to channel their energy.
In other news, Miss T is becoming more strong-minded every day. Yesterday we had to use the naughty step three times before 9am - a new record and not one to be proud of. But the bedtime battles seem to have been won and we are having lots of fun...mostly.
In terms of gainful employment, well, I'm still trying. I'm determined to see things as challenges rather than setbacks, and in general this is an exciting and interesting time. Negativity aside. Who knows what will happen? Not me...but that's okay.

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Things to celebrate...

1) For the second day in a row, Miss T declared that she wanted to go to bed for a nap, then actually went to sleep!

2) Yesterday, for the first time, she said "Thank you mummy" after I handed her something she wanted - without being prompted! (she also told off the decorator in my parents' house after he successfully negotiated her piles of toys and books on his way though but didn't say "Excuse me please...")

3) I have no idea what I'm doing next week - and I'm not that bothered!

If you're not impressed by all that, well, you should be! It's somewhat scary for me to read back that last point but it's true. The temp work I have been doing looks like it will come to an end on Friday and although I have several irons in the fire, or fingers in pies, or whichever cliche you prefer, I have no idea where my next pay cheque will come from.

But that's okay. Because at the moment I'm happy to let things happen. Without getting all spiritualistic/mumbojumboistic on you all, I'm starting to believe that old mantra that things happen for a reason. I've learnt some great skills from my temping placement and made some great contacts but I think it's time to move on. I may return later, or I may not. Who knows?

Equally, as I venture tentatively into the frankly terrifying world of self-employment (I'm practising hard at not thinking about cash sheets and ledgers and other things that involve numbers....), I'm making some interesting contacts there and there's a strong possibility that things will turn out okay. Or maybe even better than okay.

And perhaps the best bit? I'm making some great friends along the way!

So there are definitely plenty of things to celebrate!

Friday, 2 January 2009

New year thoughts

Okay, I know I'm a day late but we were busy yesterday, introducing another new family tradition - a visit to the New Year's Day parade in London. I can highly recommend it. But I'd also recommend you wear at least three pairs of socks and take a flask - two simply weren't enough!
Another tradition at this time of year is to get all thoughtful and reflective about the year just ended, and share hopes and aspirations for the next one.
I'm sure many of you who trawl this blog regularly don't share my next thought, but I wish it had been in existence for more than six months. It would then be much easier to reflect on the days and months gone by. A bit like those newspaper reviews of the year that are used over the festive period to fill space....
Oops, nearly got off topic again...
Unfortunately I don't have a year's worth of blog posts to refer to (did I just hear a collective sigh of relief?!) so I'll have to rely on my memory.
Some things are simple. Last year I had a job I loved and one that I thought I would be doing forever.
But forever is a very long time, and I'm no longer sure that would have been the best option.
Of course, as we all know, it didn't work out that way anyway and I am working on lots of different options for this year, some very exciting indeed. It may all be things I want to do forever, but actually, at the moment, for now will do me just as well.
One thing I can refer to is my old diaries. Not as in Anne Frank, or even Adrian Mole, but bog-standard appointment ones. And last year's was crammed full. So was the year before. If it wasn't doctors' appointments it was my lovely therapist, and if not them then my life-saving friends. I literally relied on them to keep me going and in one piece. All of them.
Things may be different this year. That's not to say I don't want to see people any more - I still need a weekly dose of coffee and cake to keep me sane - but I no longer need them in the same way.
Take today; the first day Mark's been back at work since before Christmas. Tash and I went to play gym this morning (again with no make-up on, and I even forgot to put on my necklace and earrings which was going to be my token attempt at making an effort!), then came home, then walked the dogs, then had lunch and now she's asleep. I have no plans for this afternoon. We may go shopping, we may do some painting (particularly with some of the mess-free water painting kits her aunts got her!), we may just read some books and chill out.
That simply wouldn't have been possible a year ago. Every hour of my day had to be filled with more than just her and I was petrified of being alone with her. Now I even enjoy it - sometimes!
Of course I still get moments - no longer whole days, but sometimes hours - when I wonder what the hell I am doing, and wish it would all go away. But as she grows up and more of her personality emerges, most vociferously at times, I can actually see myself doing this parenting thing for ever.
That may sound strange, but during the really dark times I did think it was all only temporary - any minute now someone would come and take her away, or take me away; I didn't really care which.
Perhaps the most important change as we start 2009 is that I can see more of the old Liz returning - or maybe a new, updated version.
PND Liz is still around, but more shadowy and a lot quieter. It's easy to shut her up with a good dose of common sense, most of the time.
I don't think I'll ever get all of old Liz back, or get rid of PND Liz completely, but maybe new Liz can be a good combination of the two.
I'm sure you'll all let me know if she's not!