About Me

Kent, United Kingdom
I have the perfect family but still struggle to find the light in the darkness of post-natal depression.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

oooohhh adverts!

Or, Google will make me rich...
Well, it's one of my master plans, anyway!
Don't worry though, there are still a few others. But if you do fancy clicking on any of these ads and helping me pay the mortgage that would be fantastic. After all, we all know you can make millions while you sleep...can't you?!
In other news, there's still an air of sadness around things at the moment, perhaps not unreasonably. My dog walk this morning felt muted, and after spending the day housesitting for my friends while they were at their son's funeral I'm obviously not in cheerful mood.
I think the saddest part of the day was seeing the blank mother's day card he had bought for his mum, only to die two days before he could give it to her.
Or perhaps learning that the lasagne I'd made as a gesture was in fact his favourite meal so they were unlikely to enjoy it. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have everything in your life tinged with sadness like that from now on.
But I still have Miss T, and of course Mark, and we're doing okay. In fact, we've got a lot to be thankful for.
Of course, there's still a lot I can get worked up about, this is me, after all! Today's rant was about a random blog post I came across (did I mention I'm addicted to reading random blogs?!).
The author proclaimed, very seriously, that she was "depressed" after a frustrating week of unpacking with three kids around.
Having read a few of her other blog posts I wouldn't be surprised if depression is on the cards for her somewhere, but I can't accept that it is what she is experiencing at the moment.
But then again, who am I to know?
Right - enough rambling! I'm off out tonight to tell people how well my community website is doing (very well, by all accounts - 128 visitors and 357 page views, and it's been officially launched less than a week!) so must go get ready.
Don't forget to click on the ads! Or commission me to make a community website...or write your lfie story...x

Sunday, 29 March 2009


I'm learning some interesting lessons lately.
Of course, the first is that life is too short. And precious. Miss T has been poorly and although it was highly unpleasant, as winter vomiting virus usually is, it was never really serious.
But that didn't stop Mark and I worrying, and checking on her more than we needed to. I've learnt it can all end so suddenly, and I don't think that knowledge will ever really go.
I've also learnt that sometimes I don't want what I think I do. I'm sure that makes no sense, and I apologise - despite my best efforts at disinfecting etc Miss T seems to have shared her germs with me so I'm not on top form. But am I ever?
Anyway, that last lesson is job related. I missed out on a job that I thought was mine, and that I thought I desperately wanted. But after a wise friend questioned whether I did actually want it, I realised I probably didn't. I wanted it because it was a job, and because of all that represents, eg a regular income etc, and because it seemed it was so nearly within my reach.
But the job itself wasn't ideal, with hardly any opportunity for writing, and with colleagues who I know would have ended up making the position a nightmare.
So I can now accept it wasn't meant to be, and keep looking for something that is. Whatever that may be.
I've learnt that I still want to rescue people, and I can't bear people feeling sad or stressed, but I'm learning that I can't always fix it. Sometimes people have to help themselves first. And all I can do is be there to offer support, not to put the pieces back together for them.
I'm learning to say no as well, but that lesson could take a while!

Monday, 23 March 2009

Now I get it...

....when people say things like "Cheer up, it could be worse...."
Because I've had an insight into how terrible things can be, and I don't like it.
And I'm definitely grateful for what I have.
I'm grateful I could spend mother's day with my child (or at least part of it - we did disappear for the weekend, but that's another story!)
I'm grateful that the next thing I have to organise is a birthday party, not a funeral.
I'm even grateful that I just had to go upstairs and stop writing this entry, because it means my child is safe and well at home.
Sadly one of my friends cannot say the same about his son, who died suddenly on Friday aged just 16.
One day they were excited about a family holiday to America and arguing about spending money, then a few days later he was dead.
I don't understand how that can be. How can someone so fit and so popular be gone? How is his mother supposed to ever celebrate mother's day again? How is his sister supposed to adjust to life as an only child when her whole life has been spent as a sibling?
He will never get married, have children, have a career. He won't travel the world, buy a house, or go to uni. He won't grow old. How? Why?
I don't know any of the answers. But I do know that if I have learnt anything from this whole horrible tragedy, it's that life is too short. Who cares about whether you're a perfect parent, or someone else's child can identify a circle and a square? Who cares if Miss T is not ready for potty training while my friend's children are?
I don't.
But I do care that I still have her, she still has me and we can enjoy our time together.
Because I don't know how long it will last.

Sunday, 15 March 2009


...but not mine!
Since adapting my new, fluffy, mindset, partly due to changes in my circumstances and partly due to real recovery from PND hell being in sight, I have no time for negativity.
Of course sometimes I have days which are difficult, but in general I like to think I am a more positive person.
And that makes me rather intolerant of negative people. Not unsympathetic to those who are in genuine need, as I think I have mentioned before, but impatient with those who seem determined to see the worst in others and dwell on nastiness.
That's what prompted me to do this blog post, less than a week after the last one, you lucky people. I've been witness to some real bitterness lately, from people who would do better to just let things go and move on.
And I've also seen people who seem determined to try to poke fun at other's misfortune, and in some cases, tragedy.
Of course, I could ignore this, and generally I do - it's easy just to delete an email or Facebook message, and to click away from people who have so little faith in themselves they make others look small thinking it makes them look big.
But today I just wanted to get this out here, to avoid it erupting somewhere else and creating negativity in my life.
So now I have. I don't feel much better, but I will continue to maintain my pink and fluffy air and remember that those who indulge in such bitchiness say more about themselves than the target of their venom.

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Updated update

It seems there is some unrest among some of my most loyal readers about the lack of updates here, despite my carefully crafted explanations about limited computer time and pressures of work.
So to satisfy those grumblers, here is an update.
And it's a strange one. I started writing this thinking there was hardly any point because everything was rosy and I had no news to report, but I'm not sure that's entirely true.
Work is busy, which is fantastic, but I don't seem to be making much money from it, which is less so.
I've applied for yet another job, but I'm really not sure I want it because it would mean a return to the office politics that I was so pleased to get out of, but equally it would be a fantastic opportunity and an exciting challenge, if I can get past the politics!
There has been more doom and gloom from my previous employer, which makes me feel vindicated in my decision to get out when I did but sad for my former colleagues.
And more of my former colleagues who left with me have found other employment, which brings up those old feelings of jealousy and bitterness. I know I'm lucky to be doing what I'm doing, and it is exciting and fun, but it's also a real hard slog. And a bit lonely in the office! And there is no one else to share the load with, to call a favour in with, or to field the phones for a bit.
Outside of work (not sure that's actually possible these days - everything is work!), Miss T and I are doing okay. As long as I get time to work - there it is again! - I can enjoy my time with her, but I have so much to do that if it doesn't go to plan, eg she won't sleep when I need her to or I haven't got childcare arrangements sorted for the week, I find myself easily stressed out.
I've also noticed a change in me that I'm not particularly happy about, although others may disagree.
I've always been proud to say I'm a good friend, and I'm always there for people. But lately, I'm not. I just can't keep myself going and be strong for everyone else. I'm painfully aware that my new positive outlook is fragile, to say the least, and I fear that too much negativity will cause it to shatter around me.
Maybe that's irrational. Maybe it's not a bad thing, because it's forcing me to think about my own needs instead of distracting myself with others. But I can't help feeling I'm letting people down.
If I see, for example, a Facebook post that screams "I need someone to talk to", although it may not actually say that in so many words, I find it very hard not to respond with the offer of a coffee.
Of course, they have many other friends who could make that same offer, and probably do, but it's a role I have traditionally cast myself in and if I'm not the supportive, listening ear, then who am I?
Well there's a deep question for you all - and it's late and I'm tired and I have not one, not two, but three meetings tomorrow, starting at 7am, so I'll leave you all to ponder it.

Monday, 2 March 2009

Spring is in the air...

....and that should gladden the heart, but it doesn't, for some reason. Sigh.
Maybe it's because those evil weather people are already predicting that it won't last.
Maybe it's because I have a week ahead with not much on. That's not as much of a problem as it used to be, but it is still a daunting thought. Actually, it's more the thought of the energy I need to keep motivating myself to do things with Miss T instead of humphing around feeling sorry for myself that is daunting.
I'm afraid I was rather lacking in that energy this weekend. It should have been great, as I had my review with my lovely therapist on Saturday and as predicted, she was mightily impressed - although not surprised - with my progress and how I have dealt with things since we last met.
Then we had a lovely afternoon, with Miss T chosing some beautiful new hot pink shoes and a catch-up dinner with old friends.
But on Sunday we had to attend an event I had been dreading, a toddler's birthday party. Now, as I have a toddler of my own there is no reason why this should fill me with dread. And indeed, it wasn't really the toddlers who were the problem, but the parents.
Actually, to be completely frank, it wasn't even the parents, it was me. I felt judged and observed, just like the bad old days, and also like those days, people seemed to want to discuss nothing but their children. Which often included statements about how fulfilled they felt or how wonderful it was. And I lost count of how many times I was asked about having another one.
But of course, we survived, and all was fine. And the sun is shining, and we had a lovely time at playgym this morning. And I have one more hour of her sleep left so had best get on with some work!