About Me

Kent, United Kingdom
I have the perfect family but still struggle to find the light in the darkness of post-natal depression.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010


To plan or not to plan? That's a decision in itself! And one I'm finding quite hard lately.
I've a history of getting what I want. Which is great. But it assumes I know what I want...
I wanted to go to City University, even though there were 1,500 applicants for 35 places on my course. I got in.
I wanted to graduate with a first class degree. I did.
I wanted to work on a local paper. I'm now working on my third.
I wanted a daughter and I've got the lovely Miss T.
I wanted a text book water birth and it all went my way.
I didn't want PND, but I knew what I had to do to recover and once I convinced others to see it my way and help me, I got better.
Do you see the pattern?
I've had a plan for as long as I can remember, from when I was first old enough to write to-do lists each day.
But now I am without one, and I can't seem to construct one. And I'm not sure if it matters or not.
I have no career plan, beyond enjoying what I'm doing and seeing what happens. And there's no grand plan for my home life either.
I heard something interesting the other day: "Fear is letting things happen rather than making them happen."
I wonder if that's the case? Is letting fate/the universe/whatever take over just a cop out? Or a much-needed break and a bit of freedom?
I honestly don't know.
I couldn't count how many decisions I make a day, from the easy ones I do without thinking like shower or breakfast first or what to give the snail to eat, to the ones that take some negotiating like whether to let Miss T wear her chosen outfit even if it includes a pink leotard and net skirt.
That's not including the ones I take in the office, often made under pressure and sometimes with far-reaching consequences.
So why do I find it so hard to make those important decisions about the direction of my life?
Maybe it's because they have such an impact on others now - I'm living with the consequences of accepting my first "management" job, and not all of them are pleasant, starting with the days I hardly see Miss T.
But deciding not to work, for example, would risk resentment and unfulfillment for me. Not that I'm considering not working - I still love what I do.
Oh dear, this is another not-making-much-sense post. But if anyone has any thoughts - or a 10-year plan template to show me - I'd be grateful!


Anonymous said...

Really good thought provoking post. I'm afraid I don't have any real advice, just sometimes for me plans are like buses, I don't have any and then a bunch come along at once! I can imagine it must be hard to have less focus now after you've had such clear goals and achieved them before. Hope you sort it out, and I hope you'll keep blogging here, enjoy reading this. -- @tootingjo.

me-again said...

I don't think it matters not having a plan all the time. I think being able to not plan can be a good thing. Sometimes it's scary, especially if you've been an habitual planner (oh yes, to-do lists, tell me about 'em!), but it's also a huge bonus to be able to take things of all sizes as they arrive and handle them. And that I believe you can do, so cheers (raises glass).

Is fear letting things happen rather than making them happen. Maybe - depends on the "things". But I think fear can also be over-planning (which could also be 'making things happen'). Is that fear of the unknown or of not being in control of the happening? Perhaps.

I would say enjoy the todays now, 'cause you can always think about the 'days-after-tomorrow' 'tomorrow'. I wish I'd learnt that earlier - I think I've almost left it too late, so go you (raises glass again).

Gah - I doubt I'm making a lot of sense; had a clarinet group coaching afternoon, have only been back about an hour and appear to have exhausted the last of the little grey cells!