About Me

Kent, United Kingdom
I have the perfect family but still struggle to find the light in the darkness of post-natal depression.

Sunday, 20 February 2011

This is not me...

I write for a living - in fact, it could be said that I live to write, so why can't I find the words to express how I feel?
It is yet another change in me that means I can't recognise the person I am becoming. I wish I could explain to those I am meeting for the first time how different this me is to the real one.
I do not hide in the shower hoping everyone will go out before I have to emerge. I am downstairs, in the thick of the action, organising a fun family outing.
I do not panic over the simple task of completing a supermarket shop with one baby in tow. I have managed that solo with two children and dealt with many more stressful situations in my working life.
I am not angry, bitter, overwhelmed by rage. In fact, I can't be bothered to be angry. I'm so rubbish at it I often forget what made me cross.
I do not spend time every day in tears. I am a happy, calm and relaxed person.
I do not depend on other people to help me deal with my own children. I am confident and independent and have arranged many solo outings.
I do not snap at my daughter just for being her. I love her funny ways and her constant chat.
I do not want to hide away because I don't know what to say to people. I am sociable and fun and love nothing more than giggly girlie nights out - not deep emotional sessions.
Lately I have been all of these things. And more. This is not me. This is what PND has done to me. And I hate it.


Sarah Jane said...

PND hasn't changed you, sweetie. You're still the same wonderful, hilarious, fun, generous, caring person that you always have been and always will be. You haven't become a different person just because you're currently suffering from this condition.

Sarah Jane said...

I find completing a supermarket shop with Alan in tow a pretty demanding task, actually. 'Come away from the railway magazines ... come away ... ALAN, COME AWAY!

me-again said...

Sarah Jane said: "You haven't become a different person just because you're currently suffering from this condition. Couldn't have said it better [hands medal to Sarah Jane]; you are indeed still you, just maybe it's like having one less skin or having accretions (waves hands vaguely) or something - but that will pass.

On the finding of words: they may not be the exact words you want, but at least a couple of readers are extremely impressed indeed by the words you are writing.