So I have this stupid self-sacrifice schema, which I've mentioned before (and which if I had half a brain tonight I could provide a link to but it's not hard to find...)....
Anyway, in very simple terms it means I tend to do things for other people rather than myself and even at the expense of myself, which is when it becomes a problem.
I know I keep going on about it, but it's genuinely something which I still struggle with, despite months of very good therapy-ing.
Plus I do try to keep it at the forefront of my mind so that when I agree to something which is clearly stupid I can question myself and challenge this schema.
Anyway! It's been well and truly challenged over the last few days. I've seen lots of things going on that I feel the need to "fix" or "help with" and sometimes I have even tried to get involved.
Sometimes that works, and it's not too detrimental to me - after all, a counselling and coffee session with a friend is good for me as well (and part payback for the all the counselling and coffee I've had from them in the past!) - but sometimes I just need to accept I can't do it all.
I can't make everyone happy, no matter how unhappy I make myself in the process.
I can't fix everyone's dodgy relationships, no matter how much I jeopardise mine trying to do so.
And I can't take away everyone's problems, no matter how many I create for myself while I try.
So, for today at least, I've decided on a new strategy. I've decided that if I am as happy as I can be, perhaps in turn some of that will rub off on other people.
So tonight after I picked Miss T up from the childminder (where she had one of her best days ever despite a bad cold and being a poorly person) we had the dinner I had cunningly prepared yesterday (and tomorrow's is waiting in the freezer - please be impressed!) and then we sat on the floor together and just talked and played and sang.
I never thought I would say this but I absolutely love spending time with her like this. Her speech is improving all the time so we can have real conversations (okay, a lot of them involve my imagination, as follows: Me: Did you have fun today? Her: Alex. Me: You played with Alex? Fantastic! And you also went to collect the big boys from school, didn't you? Her: Shapes. Me: You are very good at your shape-sorter now, that's right. - I think you get the picture!) and she can tell me what she wants, and it's wonderful when I can provide it.
And that makes me happy. Okay, we could have spent that time working on saving the world somewhere but I think what we did has just as many benefits.
She went to bed happy, after more singing and playing in the bath, and I felt chilled out and relaxed even after washing up, cleaning the kitchen, medicating the dog, feeding the cats, de-Tashing the living room, etc etc etc.
So from that one little step I hope we can take more giant leaps and our good times will spread around.....and all the fluff can also help insulate us from some of the harsher realities of life away from our happy home as well.
Showing posts with label schema. Show all posts
Showing posts with label schema. Show all posts
Monday, 6 October 2008
Friday, 1 August 2008
overextended
It's a word I read in a book I have just finished, and it describes my life perfectly at the moment.
It's the kind of word I would previously have used to describe my knee - as in, it hurts because I overextended it - but in this case it means overcommitted or spread too thin, to use another great phrase.
I think half the problem here is that I'm no good at doing things in a half-hearted way. So work gets 100 per cent dedication (except perhaps when it's 100 degrees in the office and too hot to think!), and on days off so does everything else.
But with two days, not including weekends which are generally 100 per cent family time, it's hard to fit everything in.
I want to do fun things with Tash, I want to see my friends and I want to be a good friend. And I really shouldn't complain, but I have quite a few great friends which makes it a bit more complicated - if I had just two it would be fine!
One solution would be a monthly rota but that would all fall apart if someone had a crisis outside of their alloted time.
So instead I'm opting for the text and forward option. It's a real 21st century one - if I'm thinking about a friend I'll send them a forwarded email joke, or if they are very lucky a text. Luckily most of my friends are 21st century friends so they know this is code for saying I'm thinking about you and I'm here if you need me.
I hope they do, anyway!
Of course, with my good old self sacrifice schema it's hard to restrain myself from swooping in at times of crisis with casseroles and cakes but I'm relying on people to tell me if that what's they would like.
Which is actually quite a big step forward for me - and another solution to being overextended. So maybe there is still hope!
In other news, I noticed today that I feel most at ease with Tash when she does something clever, eg today she sat on her potty and read a whole book. Nothing ended up in the potty, and of course when I say read I mean looked at pictures, but it earned her lots of praise and me a fuzzy warm feeling of contentment. But when she was putting her feet on the table during dinner that rapidly evaporates.
I'm hoping that doesn't mean I'm going to end up giving her conditional love based on her achievements instead of for who she is.
Another thing to worry about!
It's the kind of word I would previously have used to describe my knee - as in, it hurts because I overextended it - but in this case it means overcommitted or spread too thin, to use another great phrase.
I think half the problem here is that I'm no good at doing things in a half-hearted way. So work gets 100 per cent dedication (except perhaps when it's 100 degrees in the office and too hot to think!), and on days off so does everything else.
But with two days, not including weekends which are generally 100 per cent family time, it's hard to fit everything in.
I want to do fun things with Tash, I want to see my friends and I want to be a good friend. And I really shouldn't complain, but I have quite a few great friends which makes it a bit more complicated - if I had just two it would be fine!
One solution would be a monthly rota but that would all fall apart if someone had a crisis outside of their alloted time.
So instead I'm opting for the text and forward option. It's a real 21st century one - if I'm thinking about a friend I'll send them a forwarded email joke, or if they are very lucky a text. Luckily most of my friends are 21st century friends so they know this is code for saying I'm thinking about you and I'm here if you need me.
I hope they do, anyway!
Of course, with my good old self sacrifice schema it's hard to restrain myself from swooping in at times of crisis with casseroles and cakes but I'm relying on people to tell me if that what's they would like.
Which is actually quite a big step forward for me - and another solution to being overextended. So maybe there is still hope!
In other news, I noticed today that I feel most at ease with Tash when she does something clever, eg today she sat on her potty and read a whole book. Nothing ended up in the potty, and of course when I say read I mean looked at pictures, but it earned her lots of praise and me a fuzzy warm feeling of contentment. But when she was putting her feet on the table during dinner that rapidly evaporates.
I'm hoping that doesn't mean I'm going to end up giving her conditional love based on her achievements instead of for who she is.
Another thing to worry about!
Friday, 27 June 2008
Need vs want...
It's an age old debate, I know, but that doesn't stop me from adding my views!
I got thinking about it today after a good friend advised me against trying to help someone because I didn't need the extra hassle....
She's probably right - she usually is, annoyingly, but that won't stop me doing it.
It's something I've been discussing with my therapist in our last few sessions, and disagreeing with her about too.
Unfortunately (or fortunately!) I'm one of those people with a very active self-sacrifice schema (see here if you're baffled already... http://www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm) which means I have a bit of an over-developed need to help people.
I have real trouble seeing that as a bad thing, and when I voiced that to my lovely therapist, she said it wasn't necessarily a negative unless my desire to help others impacted on me.
Which would seem simple enough, but I think that is where the problem lies. I genuinely have difficulties accepting that whatever I want or think I need at any one point in time can be more important than someone who genuinely needs my help (note to colleagues - I am aware of this difficulty so that doesn't mean I'll do all your work for you!).
For example, a few of my friends have or are about to have their second child. And as I can remember so clearly how soul-destroyingly awful life with one newborn was, and can imagine how difficult it must be when you add in a toddler as well, I am ready and willing to help however I can. Even if that means going off on a rescue mission when I'd like a quiet afternoon at home.
Is that wrong? I would say that if I'm doing it cos it makes me feel good or needed, which I'm not, then it would be a bad thing. But I think I'm doing it because I don't want others to have the kind of endless, bleak, excruciating hours and days I had when Tash was tiny.
Maybe there's an implication there that I wanted someone to do the same for me. I think there's some truth in that. And while people were as supportive as they could be, with the knowledge they had at the time, there is probably a lot more they could have done. But just because they didn't, does that mean I shouldn't? Surely if you believe in karma, or any kind of "do as you would be done by" philosophy, you would want to help in the hope that should you need something in the future those same friends would stand ready to help?
There can be a bit of a difficulty there though - if those friends don't have the same self-sacrifice schema going on there's a risk they may genuinely want to help but feel that time with their children, husband or at work is more important.
I'm still not sure how to find a way through all this, but for the moment I'll keep going with my rescue missions and building up those brownie points. If it's not hurting anyone but possibly me then I think it's worth doing.
I got thinking about it today after a good friend advised me against trying to help someone because I didn't need the extra hassle....
She's probably right - she usually is, annoyingly, but that won't stop me doing it.
It's something I've been discussing with my therapist in our last few sessions, and disagreeing with her about too.
Unfortunately (or fortunately!) I'm one of those people with a very active self-sacrifice schema (see here if you're baffled already... http://www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm) which means I have a bit of an over-developed need to help people.
I have real trouble seeing that as a bad thing, and when I voiced that to my lovely therapist, she said it wasn't necessarily a negative unless my desire to help others impacted on me.
Which would seem simple enough, but I think that is where the problem lies. I genuinely have difficulties accepting that whatever I want or think I need at any one point in time can be more important than someone who genuinely needs my help (note to colleagues - I am aware of this difficulty so that doesn't mean I'll do all your work for you!).
For example, a few of my friends have or are about to have their second child. And as I can remember so clearly how soul-destroyingly awful life with one newborn was, and can imagine how difficult it must be when you add in a toddler as well, I am ready and willing to help however I can. Even if that means going off on a rescue mission when I'd like a quiet afternoon at home.
Is that wrong? I would say that if I'm doing it cos it makes me feel good or needed, which I'm not, then it would be a bad thing. But I think I'm doing it because I don't want others to have the kind of endless, bleak, excruciating hours and days I had when Tash was tiny.
Maybe there's an implication there that I wanted someone to do the same for me. I think there's some truth in that. And while people were as supportive as they could be, with the knowledge they had at the time, there is probably a lot more they could have done. But just because they didn't, does that mean I shouldn't? Surely if you believe in karma, or any kind of "do as you would be done by" philosophy, you would want to help in the hope that should you need something in the future those same friends would stand ready to help?
There can be a bit of a difficulty there though - if those friends don't have the same self-sacrifice schema going on there's a risk they may genuinely want to help but feel that time with their children, husband or at work is more important.
I'm still not sure how to find a way through all this, but for the moment I'll keep going with my rescue missions and building up those brownie points. If it's not hurting anyone but possibly me then I think it's worth doing.
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