Updated update

It seems there is some unrest among some of my most loyal readers about the lack of updates here, despite my carefully crafted explanations about limited computer time and pressures of work.
So to satisfy those grumblers, here is an update.
And it's a strange one. I started writing this thinking there was hardly any point because everything was rosy and I had no news to report, but I'm not sure that's entirely true.
Work is busy, which is fantastic, but I don't seem to be making much money from it, which is less so.
I've applied for yet another job, but I'm really not sure I want it because it would mean a return to the office politics that I was so pleased to get out of, but equally it would be a fantastic opportunity and an exciting challenge, if I can get past the politics!
There has been more doom and gloom from my previous employer, which makes me feel vindicated in my decision to get out when I did but sad for my former colleagues.
And more of my former colleagues who left with me have found other employment, which brings up those old feelings of jealousy and bitterness. I know I'm lucky to be doing what I'm doing, and it is exciting and fun, but it's also a real hard slog. And a bit lonely in the office! And there is no one else to share the load with, to call a favour in with, or to field the phones for a bit.
Outside of work (not sure that's actually possible these days - everything is work!), Miss T and I are doing okay. As long as I get time to work - there it is again! - I can enjoy my time with her, but I have so much to do that if it doesn't go to plan, eg she won't sleep when I need her to or I haven't got childcare arrangements sorted for the week, I find myself easily stressed out.
I've also noticed a change in me that I'm not particularly happy about, although others may disagree.
I've always been proud to say I'm a good friend, and I'm always there for people. But lately, I'm not. I just can't keep myself going and be strong for everyone else. I'm painfully aware that my new positive outlook is fragile, to say the least, and I fear that too much negativity will cause it to shatter around me.
Maybe that's irrational. Maybe it's not a bad thing, because it's forcing me to think about my own needs instead of distracting myself with others. But I can't help feeling I'm letting people down.
If I see, for example, a Facebook post that screams "I need someone to talk to", although it may not actually say that in so many words, I find it very hard not to respond with the offer of a coffee.
Of course, they have many other friends who could make that same offer, and probably do, but it's a role I have traditionally cast myself in and if I'm not the supportive, listening ear, then who am I?
Well there's a deep question for you all - and it's late and I'm tired and I have not one, not two, but three meetings tomorrow, starting at 7am, so I'll leave you all to ponder it.

A treat for you all!

Some of you have complained this blog is a little text heavy.

Indeed it is.

So here is another pic of Miss T for you to admire - and one you don't have to crane your head to see!

Apologies again for the lack of update - the reasons in the last post still stand.

But as a special treat I'm sharing something here I was doing anyway.

It's one of those Facebook lists - sorry if, like my brother in law, you find them the most annoying thing ever.

Personally, I find most of them very revealing for a variety of reasons. The things people choose to share, the things they don't, the subjects they touch on.

So for what it's worth, here's mine. Some of them you'll already know, some of them you won't. Feel free to add your own, Facebook stylee!

25 random things about me

1) I'm addicted to spider solitaire and can play it for hours at a time, much to the annoyance of my husband. I like to play till I win, and that can take some time!

2) I'm also addicted to reading other people's blogs - friends of friends, random people I don't know.

3) I have a therapist and I think everyone would benefit from seeing one at least once.

4) I want to save the world. Not in any grand environmental way, I'm afraid, but on a personal level - I hate for people to be unhappy and always want to get involved in their problems, even if they don't want me to.

5) I'm not very good at accepting that you can only help those who want to be helped!

6) I'm terrible at keeping secrets. Not the big important ones, so don't worry if you've told me something, but things like surprise presents or good news.

7) I have practically no secrets of my own. In fact, I make a point of telling any new friends I get close to all my deepest darkest secrets. I figure that if they're not freaked out by what they hear then they're worth having as friends.

8) I hate when people hint at secrets or problems - like I just did, I guess!

9) I've always wanted to write, from as young as I can remember. In fact, one of my earliest memories is having a story on the story tree at infant school.

10) I thought I would be a poet or write books (in fact, I wrote one when I was about 13 but you wouldn't have wanted to read it!) until I did a week's work experience on a local newspaper when I was 15 and realised how much fun it was.

11) After weeks and months more work experience with that same paper, and others, I got my first paid job there straight out of university and was delighted to find it was still as much fun as I remembered. I never had that Monday morning feeling and would have done my job for nothing.

12) I thought I would be heartbroken to leave that job but actually it wasn't as bad as I feared. I guess the nice fat redundancy cheque helped a bit!

13) It is only in the last month or so that I have considered myself fully recovered from post natal depression, and my little girl is two and a bit. But I still have my therapist, even if it is only for reviews and as back up!

14) The thought of getting PND again terrifies me so much I'm still not sure if I will ever have another baby. I want another child, but not another baby.

15) I'm also terrified of having a boy!

16) I'd rather Miss T grew up to be kind and polite and gentle and loving than passed loads of exams and I think those qualities could get her further in life as well.

17) I failed my grade one piano exam and the experience traumatised me so much I never took another music exam.

18) I also failed my driving test twice but have passed every other test or exam I've ever taken after learning from an early age that being top of the class was the only place acceptable to my parents.

19) I had two honeymoons. Only one wedding though!

20) I was so anal about organising my wedding that the manager of the venue offered me a job as his wedding planner. I turned it down because I loved my job as a reporter but wish I'd taken him up on it...lists and folders galore!

21) I always preferred cats to dogs until I met my husband. When I was little I had a cat who was like a best friend to me and I told her everything. But he introduced me to dog ownership and they are much easier to train! If I tell them to go and lie down they will, but my cats will continue to bug me until I stroke them...

22) I was genuinely distressed when Miss T told me her granny's cat didn't like her and am now dreading her school days with best friends becoming ex-friends and all the bitchiness she will experience.

23) I still vividly remember the emotions from my school days, and most of them are not pleasant.

24) Apart from writing jobs, I've worked in a supermarket, playgroup and pubs and think everyone should work behind a bar. It's a great way to increase your confidence...oh, and find a husband!

25) I'm writing a book. See - that was supposed to be a secret but now it's out there! It will take me years to finish it though as paid work keeps getting in the way!

Groups!

I am not ashamed - and nor are a whole lot of other people, apparently, as when I tried to use that as the blog address too it was already taken!
I came up with the title for this blog after one of those life-changing facebook moments, which actually happen more often than you might thing (like when your ex tracks you down!).
A lot of people don't know I had PND, or much about the difficulties I've encounted since having Tasha (oops - I almost used that 'journey' word again!) because it is not something that often comes up in conversation.
And now things are getting back to normal it seemed rather odd to announce it to the world. So instead, I joined a group on facebook, called I'm not ashamed to admit I suffered with post-natal depression.
It was perfect - all my facebook friends, which includes a lot of family members, would see it when they logged on as part of their news streams, and it would avoid any awkward conversations!
And I started thinking from there - if I'm genuinely not ashamed, which I'm not, why not take it one step further and actually talk about it? But there is a limit to how much suffering my friends should have to endure in terms of heartfelt, deep and meaningful conversations, so this blog was born.
But if that puts you off, please stick with it - the plan is to tackle all sorts of subjects, from the need for more pink fluff in the world to saving Whitstable's visitor information centre (did i mention that facebook group? please join!).
And feel free to leave comments - as long as they are fluffy!
x