About Me

Kent, United Kingdom
I have the perfect family but still struggle to find the light in the darkness of post-natal depression.

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

Fluff returns!

And so do the exclamation marks!
Apologies to all those who have suffered the doom and gloom of the last few days - you will be relieved to hear that the sun has come out again in my world.
Mark and I have not yet had a proper conversation about things but have pencilled in a slot next Friday....
And he did read this blog which hopefully gave him some insight.
I have reluctantly admitted that perhaps I was wrong (yes, you did read that right, and no, I'm not repeating it!) to try to go straight from 20mg of happy pills to nothing, so I'm now trying 10mg every three days.
And it may be that, or just the fact that I had a good rant and a Tash-style paddy, but I am now feeling much more positive about things.
So, today's Bridget Jones-style update: happy pills taken: 10mg, stories written: loads and loads and loads, and some of them were quite good - check out tomorrow's Whitstable Gazette to have a look, or kentishgazette.co.uk, arguments with top-level work people: none (although my editor did make a sarcastic comment about me trying to do his job, but I'm sure that doesn't count!).
And positives for the day - I managed to get everyone up, fed, watered, dressed (not the dogs and cats you'll be relieved to hear!) and to where they were supposed to be, sort of on time, AND i put the washing out!
And finished the paper before deadline, and left at 5pm!
Negatives....am really struggling to think of any, and that's surely a massive step forward.
And I sent an email from my hotmail account to a sort-of-work contact and didn't take off the signature that has this blog address on the bottom, which really does signify that I'm not ashamed.
I'm even coming to terms with the half a tablet every three days situation - it's so much better than the days when my pills were the first things I packed for a weekend away and the first thing I thought about when I woke each morning.
Coming off them has been wierd though and I didn't realise until now how much they numbed things. I'm no longer immune to those awful RSPCA/Dogs Trust/NSPCC - the list goes on - adverts and even found myself welling up at some stupid story in The Sun! But I think learning to deal with the realities of everyday emotions is part of that "journey" thing, and another step back towards life as it was.
In terms of who I am now versus who I was before, it's still hard to think about that clearly. But I think people do change as they go through life anyway, and a good relationship has the capacity to cope with that. After all, Mark and I will have been together for 10 years in November and I'm certainly not the same person I was when we met! Nor is he, for that matter - he has learnt infinite capacities for patience and tolerance as well as how to change nappies!
And I do think the therapy is worth it - for me, if no one else. Besides, I fought so long to get it and tried so many other useless things that I'm not giving up now!

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