About Me

Kent, United Kingdom
I have the perfect family but still struggle to find the light in the darkness of post-natal depression.

Monday, 30 June 2008


This may end up as several different posts after a day of musing....in between working, of course!
My first thought was about Mark and his role as a parent. After writing yesterday's blog I did consider retracting part of it, but then I thought that would be a bit harsh. Let me explain...
He is indeed a star and very involved with Tasha's life, but so he should be. It's strange that I feel that I have to publicly recognise what he does, when she is his daughter just as much as mine.
No one is going around saying I am a star for changing my job to work part time, and looking after her by myself for the hours and hours he is at work. And in those long months of maternity leave, no one praised me for the hours and hours and days and days of solo childcare.
Equally I get no recognition for taking her to the park, to sing and sign, to play dates (okay, so they are more for me than her!), or for organising fun and stimulating activities at home.
I'm not saying I want "a putty medal on a string" as my granny used to say, but it's odd how different attitudes to parenting are. Maybe that's why so many women have problems, because we are just expected to know what to do and how to do it, and then to get on with it. But if a man even changes a nappy you would think he has found a cure for cancer.
Right - that's that bit out of the way!
Next on the list was an update on the good old happy pills....
I had decided to do 10mg every three days. But to be honest, I'm useless at remembering when I took them and when the next one should be. So now I'm just taking one when I feel like I need it, which I think is about the same...
But that is a bit worrying - I can see this continuing for ever and that's not what I want. I don't know how much of the anxious or tearful feelings are normal and experienced by everyone.
After all, it's not as if it's a popular topic around the water cooler: "Did you see that RSPCA advert? Did it make you cry? No? Oh well - best continue with the tablets then...."
At the moment, the triggers seem to be the usual tear-jerking adverts, some songs, magazine articles, anecdotes and TV programmes. Is this the same for everyone? Or am I existing in a weepy world all by myself?
I've learnt to identify a lot of the other emotions as "normal" - like today when Tash decided she was very tired in the middle of her bath and proceeded to complain all the way through washing her hair, brushing her teeth, drying her off, getting her in her pyjamas and putting her to bed - and even after that - and I got frustrated. I think anyone would...except perhaps superhero dads ; ).
But I'm not used to this other stuff. When other people on happy pills talked about feeling numb I couldn't understand it, because I could, and did, still cry. I realise know that it must have been muted somehow because it was nowhere near as bad as this.
Should I therefore pop a pill when I feel myself welling up? Or go for that stiff upper lip approach and hope it will pass? Who knows....
I'm seeing the lovely therapist on Saturday so will let you know if she has any answers...

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