About Me

Kent, United Kingdom
I have the perfect family but still struggle to find the light in the darkness of post-natal depression.

Tuesday, 24 June 2008


Does anyone know how to get from Witsend to happy families? Do you think a sat nav would help?
Apparently that's where my lovely long-suffering husband is - witsend, not happy families.
And at the moment I'm wondering how to deal with it now - make light of it, brush it under the carpet or have a self-indulgent moment about how rubbish things are.
It's something I have been struggling with since last night when we had a massive row about things - ironically sparked off because I was writing last night's blog entry! I see this as my headspace and a place to think things through, which is really valuable because the reality of life with a toddler, a demanding, albeit allegedly part-time job and a husband who works shifts is that me-time is something in short supply.
But he sees my time on the computer as neglecting him and a trivial act of selfishness.
Clearly I'm right (!) but the question is how to move on from here.
At the moment, I'm still not ashamed but I'm angry about what this stupid illness/situation has done to my life.
Could it be that the post-therapy, almost drug-free me is not better than the previous one?
I thought things were going really well but according to the long-suffering and generally saintly husband I have been hell to live with and the result is the trip to Witsend....
A colleague said something similar a few weeks ago - not that she was at her wits' end, but that she feared i was slipping and had lost the ability to think rationally and at the time I was convinced she was wrong.
But with this input from someone who knows me so well I'm now questioning that - and myself - which surely is an indication that rational thought is a thing of the past?
How can it be that 18 months on things can still be so rubbish at times? Yes, I've made it out of bed, got showered, dressed, even put contact lenses in (although failed at putting make-up on this morning!), Tash has been fed, played with, dressed and dropped at my mums and I'm doing okay at work, which is all a huge difference to things even a year ago.
But if my marriage is suffering, and ultimately then my family, has it all been worth it?
Answers on a postcard please - and maybe I'll turn them into an installation for the Whitstable Biennale....

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