About Me

Kent, United Kingdom
I have the perfect family but still struggle to find the light in the darkness of post-natal depression.

Friday, 25 July 2008

I'm back!

Wow - four days without a post - that must be some kind of record!
Apologies if you've missed me - it's just been one of those weeks with so much going on.
But I think the lack of blog is a bit of a good sign, as there have been some days when I've felt like I would burst if I don't get it all out on here. Obviously not this week though!
So what's new?
Well, Miss Tasha is at the childminders at the moment and I really hope she's having fun. She screamed when I left but I'm focusing on how much she enjoyed playing with the other children before I went...
And I've been doing more thinking about this whole parent thing. I think I've said it before, but I really don't feel like a proper parent, yet I don't feel like myself either.
There are two things that really brought this home to me. The first was talking to a friend about the word "mum". It's one I hear a lot, but it just doesn't seem to apply to me. When I hear Tash saying it she could just as easily be saying dog or cat. I don't know how to explain this clearly but it just doesn't feel like I'm her mum...she must be talking about some grown-up person who would be better at looking after her.
And the other is hearing about other parents who seem able to enjoy pretty much the same life as their pre-child one. They go to music festivals, beer festivals, nightclubs, pubs - and don't seem to struggle with the same level of guilt that I would feel. Even going to work is problematic for me sometimes - if I see parents and children out together while I'm working I feel that should be me and that Tash is missing out.
Of course I know she's not, and besides I need to work to pay the mortgage and the overdraft, even if nothing else. But that old "should" word keeps rearing it's head. Days off "should" be family time, we chose to have a child so we "should" accept that lifestyle which involves a lot of nights in and family days out. And I like doing that, but should we do more by ourselves as well?
I know what my lovely therapist would say - who says I should, and that word is banned anyway.
And I can keep telling myself that, but it isn't working yet!
What does help sometimes is remembering that everyone has different ways of doing things, and Mark and I are a team so I'm sure together we can get at least some of it right. And if not there's always therapy for Tash later...

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